When you’re short, you have to dress differently. Especially if you’re short and not tiny. Meaning, not itty bitty. Meaning, you actually have meat on your bones.

Well, really, it doesn’t matter. Because you basically have two choices.

1) Dress like a dirty slut to prove you are not a child.

OR.

2) Dress like a child because those are the only clothes that fit you, and just laugh heartily when people tell your husband he has a beautiful daughter.

OR.

You can do what I do and spend your entire life trying to find a comfortable middle ground. Whichever way you go, there are a few hard and fast rules you absolutely must follow.

1- Never wear “tea length” ANYTHING…. unless it is yoga capris. Tea length dresses and skirts make you look like you’re playing dress-up in Mommy’s closet. You’ll never be able to pull it off. It will make you look much shorter than you really are, and at least in my case, that pretty much means I go from eight years old to four. Not good. Your only choices are floor length (with seriously jacked up heels) or above-the-knee. Now, to pull off above-the-knee without the dirty slut visage, nix the jacked-up heels and wear pumps. Mainly because the short dress won’t hide the fact that those jacked-up heels are half an inch too big. But also because the jacked-up heels AND the short dress just make you look like a midget stripper. Again, not good.

2. Just shut up already and try on those skinny jeans, okay?! Trust me, they won’t fit you like the rest of those vacu-sucked tards. They will actually fit you like normal jeans! Seriously! Super same with the super-low waisted jeans! I almost cried the first time I tried on a pair of low-rise skinny jeans from the big Navy. It was like…. like…. HOLY CRAP, I LOOK NORMAL!

3. Whatever you do, do not. DO NOT. And I repeat, DO NOT. Wear shit that does not fit you. That is the absolute, hands down, WORST thing you could ever do. If it does not fit you, do-fucking-not wear it.
Jeans too long? You just lost an inch in height and your thighs look fat.
Jeans too short? Hahahaha!!! That’s fucking hilarious.
Jeans too loose? You just gained 10 pounds.
Shirts too long? Your ass just disappeared.
Shirts too small? Who fucking cares, no one looks you in the eye anyway when they talk to you, right?

Anyways.

One of these days, humanity will get its head out of its ass and realize how much time and money is wasted on clothing ourselves and we’ll all run around naked again.

Yay naked!

The End.