I know you’re just chomping at the bit to read the anecdotes and crumbs and chestnuts that coalesce to form that which is my life. For they are many, bright and dark- times that shine a light into the darkness, and the creeping darkness which shades the eyes from burning shine. As the saying goes.
Oh who am I kidding. There is no saying. Although you can quote me if you wish.
As much as I’d love to spin you a yarn of happy chipmunks singing Ring a Ring O’ Roses, I shall bring before you a buncha dumb stuff.
One of my little bugs got a speeding ticket. (totally his fault)
And the other one got in a fender bender. (not his fault)
I am terrified of the upcoming prospect of selling our house and the voice in my head telling me to chill the f**k out is the same voice demanding spoonfuls of Nutella and cigarettes.
I just burped and it tasted like peanut butter.
I am typing this with a little plastic clip attached to my tongue bar.
Sarge chased me around the kitchen threatening to pop me with his leather belt. Then, like the bitchy female that he is, he had the balls to bring up something I said YEARS ago and then get all bitchy about it. Yeah, seriously. The man holds grudges like a bitch. I mean, come on. I can’t possibly be the only human whose first reaction after discovering their loved one has been in a car accident is “Well, whose fault was it?!” OBVIOUSLY he was okay or he wouldn’t be calling me, right? RIGHT?
Everything’s just, like, UGH. You know?
Plus, I’m in one of those moods where I’m constantly STARVING and in dire need of junk food. Thus the peanut butter breath.