So you woke up way too late in a piss-poor mood and you wanna know how to get happy? Chill. I got this. Just do what I say and you’ll be whistling the Andy Griffith Show theme song in no time.
1. Turn on those groovy new lamps with the iridescent-colored lamp shades and the purple velvet swirlies on them you bought at Hobby Lobby for only 15 bucks. Go ahead. You know they make you wanna giggle and say words like “twinkle.” What? You don’t have groovy new lamps from Hobby Lobby? Sounds like a mo’fuckin’ road trip to me…..
2. Act like a kid. Seriously, when are kids ever pissy? Aside from when they have to do homework, eat anything green that isn’t M&Ms, or watch a documentary? So, go do shit your kids do. Play video games. Get into your makeup and make a mess. Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Say stuff really, really loud even though you’re not mad, you just like hearing yourself say stuff really, really loud. Leave your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. *Accidentally* bump into someone when you walk passed them and then laugh when they fall down. Okay, don’t do that last thing if you have babies or toddlers. That’s probably mean. But it’s funny when they’re teenagers.
3. Now go clean up after yourself. Hopefully you didn’t get your makeup on anything you can’t clean it off of.
4. Stop thinking you’re too old and mature for anything that I am saying to actually make you happy. If you are too old and mature, then that’s your #1 problem to begin with.
5. Read a book about the crash of Uruguayan flight 571. Remember that PBJ you just ate? How ’bout that blanket you’re lying under on your comfy sofa? Now smile.
6. Pick something on your “shit that needs to get done” list and do it. You’ve been wanting to redecorate the bathroom, right? Bathrooms are small, so do that! Paint the house; your kids dirty hand prints are disgusting. Buy a new rug and new throw pillows for the couch. Find a really awesome old-timey black and white photo of your great-great grandmother when she was in her 20s wearing an awesome outfit, blow it up, and frame it. Fix that annoying-as-fuck bubble in your kitchen floor linoleum for cryin’ out loud. It makes your kitchen look totally low class. Better yet, rip it up and tile the kitchen floor.
7. Find a card you saved from a friend or your husband and read it. There is a reason you saved it. Today is that reason.
8. Go find some barrettes and fix your hair. So what if you aren’t going anywhere. Every girl should have cute hair. Now make sure you look at yourself in the mirror every time you walk passed one for the rest of the day. ANYTHING reflective counts as a mirror unless it makes you look fat. Dude, your hair looks totally cute. Your butt’s pretty hot, too, even in your sweatpants.
9. Find a city or an awesome hotel within a weekend’s driving distance and plan something. Even if you never really go. Look up hotels and things to do there. Find restaurants you want to go to. Leave your “budget mode” at the door. What’s the BEST hotel you can find? The one with in-room spa services, beach front rooms, room service, 5-star restaurants in the hotel, indoor pools and jacuzzis. Yep, that one. Now start planning.
10. I’ve been sitting here for the past hour or so trying to come up with a number 10. It’s getting late. I’m working. The day’s almost over. All of a sudden, the 13-year-old boy who spent 9 months incubating inside my womb sat down next to me on the couch and laid his head on my shoulder. I reached up and patted his little cheek and kissed him on the forehead. He giggled, said “Ewwwww!” and ran back upstairs to play video games with his brother. Now, I’m definitely happy.