There is no fucking way you are a military family if……

1. Your 15-year-old son still lives in the town he was born in.

2. You haven’t set foot in a commissary in months. You haven’t gone full-on grocery shopping in a commissary in years.

3. Going on post still requires the use of your GPS, the very same post you’ve been stationed at since 1995.

4. You can count on one hand the number of military friends you have, which are the same ones you’ve had for well over a decade.

5. Neither of your kids was born in a military hospital.

6. The only 2 times you have ever lived anywhere else, you paid out of your own pocket to move there and to move back.

7. DFAS has NEVER fucked up your pay.

8. You think Lee Greenwood ought to be strung up by his toes naked and flogged mercilessly.

9. The last time you heard reveille or retreat was the only time you’ve ever heard it, and it took you a second to remember what the hell it was and why everyone was standing around with blank stares on their faces like a bad M. Night Shyamalan movie.

10. The idea of impending retirement, and quite possibly an early medical retirement, after 18 years of being in the “safety bubble” of the military does not concern you in the slightest. In fact, bring it the fuck on.

11. You only know one person your husband works with and that is only because he is lovingly referred to as Sergeant Major Tit-Looker. And you don’t know his real name. But that’s okay because he won’t remember you unless you are rocking major cleavage.

12. At no time during the past 18 years have you or your husband chased the other down the street with a gun or taken out a second mortgage on your house so you can buy a bangin’ system for your truck.

Honorable mention- You’re pretty sure you know what DFAS stands for, but wouldn’t bet money on it until you Googled it to make sure.

Second honorable mention- Someone asks what unit your husband is in and you say “Umm…..Go army!….. yeah…. “