Today, my offering to the blogging community (many of whom are only a fraction of a percentage less narcissistic than celebrities, myself included), is my attempt to turn a pointlessly mean and annoying human being into a saucy-tongued hero using only words, fingers, and a keyboard.  It’s a magic trick.

Some people will come away from this demonstration completely convinced that I am a wicked, trixie little saucy-tongued hero.  Others will no doubt see through my bag-o-tricks and recognize only the pitiful existence of a pointlessly mean and annoying human being.  Po-TAY-toes, po-TAH-toes, I say!

———(begin magic trick)————

I can’t possibly be the only one who seems to always stick my foot in my mouth in blog or Facebook comments.

Okay, okay.  You caught me.  99% of the time, I do it on purpose.  Mostly.  Sometimes I am trying to be funny/mean/gross/shocking, but I really underestimate my ability to be annoying the raw power behind my saucy l’il tongue.

Apparently, there are a great deal of people in this world who think I’m intolerably annoying are so conservative that they either truly don’t understand my brand of humor at all, and/or they truly believe I am serious because no one would joke about something so disgusting/taboo/mean/shocking.

Here’s an easy way to figure out my comments:
–  If it’s funny, I’m joking.
–  If it’s mean, I’m probably not joking, but I am just being really fucking annoying.
–  If it’s mean but I really am joking, you’ll never know the difference unless you really know me, so you may as well just laugh at yourself.
–  If it’s not funny at all, but completely disgusting and inappropriate, I’m joking but you just don’t think it’s funny.
–  If it’s so bizarre and horrible that you think there is no way I can possibly be human, you need to get out more. Plus, I just like overusing the strike-through feature because it makes me look cool.

And here are my most favorite comment responses:
–  “Wow”  Okay, this one is just awesome.  One word, yet so much power.  Depending on my comment, this response could be one of utter disgust or utter confusion.  What it says to me is that you thought it was important to express the shock you felt after reading my comment; however, there’s also an air of condescension indicating that you feel too superior to go into the exact details of the source of your shock.  Or you’re just too lazy.  Or, I’m too annoying to even bother with.  Or English isn’t even your fourth language and “wow” is the only word you know.  Plus, it’s so much easier to conjure up a posse who’ll rally behind your commenting superiority when you’ve created such an all-encompassing insult.  Either way, it’s probably my favorite of all.  You’ve pretty much just given me, in 3 little letters, exactly what that little bit of inherited delusional narcissism needs to continue to seethe right beneath the surface of my frail veneer of sanity. So thanks.

–  “That’s just mean.”  Fact- I have a psychological disorder that requires me to rub salt in your wound with a lemon-juice covered rag whenever I hear this phrase.

–  Anything that points out the obvious as a response to my veiled stereotype jokes.  Example:  I say- “I’m just a girl.  I wouldn’t know anything about cars.”  Response-  “Danica Patrick is a race car driver and she’s a girl!”  You, my good commenter, are a completely useless, empty shell of a human being.  There are dying children in Darfur who would be happy to occupy the space you are wasting on this Earth.

–  “Aren’t you a bitchy lil cunt.”  Yes, this is a genuine verbatim response I received a couple days ago.  The only thing that strokes my ego more than a good ole-fashioned “Well aren’t you just a smokin’ hot piece of ass?”  is a dirty, filthy insult.  You’ve essentially risked your immortal soul to convey how annoyed you are with me your feelings about me.  I. AM. YOUR. GOD.

–  And if you’ve found your way to my blog because you read one of my morally questionable quips and wanted to know a little more about the female antichrist who just insulted your dead grandmother, you will find no peace or closure here, my friend. Just really annoying narcissism.

In closing (<—-I like saying that, if you haven’t noticed), just in case you think I have a big, fat, filthy mouth on the Internet because I can hide behind my computer screen, let it be known that I am an annoying sick bitch in real life, too.

If you think jokes about underage sex and incestuous temptations are revolting, tasteless, and apropos of nothing, you’re right consider this:  You approach a coworker at an office party because you see he has brought his daughter and you would like to meet her.  You shake your coworker’s hand and say to his daughter, “It’s so nice to meet you! I really enjoy working with your dad!”  In response, she squeezes her “daddy’s” ass, snuggles up right next to him and says, “I love my daddy!”(Batting her eyes and sporting an impenetrable poker face).

You, my good sir, have just shaken the hand of your coworker’s 4’6” wife who also happens to have C-cup boobs and a nose ring, as if you didn’t notice.  You deserve whatever you get, the useless sockmonkey fucker that you are.

OKAY, OKAY, FINE!  I’m a fucking fraud.  Happy now?  Obviously, I’ve never really done that, but I couldn’t even count on her fingers the number of times I’ve wanted to.

Well, shit.  That just fucked up my magic trick.  I’m not only annoying, but now I’m an annoying fraud.  Back to the drawing board……